I'm going to be a father...

(Originally posted on my old MySpace blog about a year ago.)

I've learned in the news business that the best way to get information out is to just get it out… no big fanfare or literary adieu, contrary to my own instincts. So here it is… I'm going to be a father! Seriously, we're having a baby!
We made a conscious decision to start trying to have a family in early June last year, after I attended the extremely moving military funeral for Jeremy Loveless of Estacada. Savannah had gone to school with his wife and thus had a personal connection with the man. I don't know, at that funeral, watching pictures of the man's life and knowing that all his wife had left of him was their little four-year-old daughter bearing half of his genes.
As I sat in the pew, tears streaming down my face for a man I had never met, after watching the most beautiful funeral procession through downtown Estacada, something broke inside me. It was like God was saying I was ready to give this gift to my wife, and to receive the gift that is a family. Should something happen to me someday, it would be great to have loved my wife and a piece of me in such a way that there would be some kind of legacy. I can't fully explain it… but something changed.
Since then, we had not been preventing having a baby but hadn't been entirely too intentional about it. Nothing. We really started to get intentional about five or six months ago, and I won't torture you with specifics, don't worry. We had a couple close calls, and we think we might have even been pregnant once before a few months ago, but nothing. It was so hard to watch other couples around us get pregnant and sit there, twiddling our thumbs, wondering why we kept getting passed up.
Full disclosure: Yes, I was ready for a family if one presented itself, but then again, I was pretty much OK with not being pregnant, either. I mean, I've had such a good time with Savannah, and we have enjoyed our three-plus years of vacations and just building a relationship. The hard thing for me was seeing Savannah's heartache when she wouldn't get pregnant and when others would.
But God's always trying to teach us to trust Him. Sometimes I really hate that, honestly. Why can't He just do something great, and then we'll see Him? I guess that doesn't require any faith, but c'mon! Sometimes it sucks. But He's always right.
After a great Super Bowl party and our small group, we were quietly driving home to Sandy, and, unbeknownst to me, Savannah was looking at me, thinking. It seems she had an epiphany. She later told me she was thinking, "If it's just you and me forever, you know, that wouldn't be such a bad thing after all." The woman's been training for her dream job as a mom for 27 years, and she just let it go. I couldn't believe it.
But what happens? When you let things go, God brings them back. It's true in money, in gifts, in talents, in friendships… heck, it was true when I was so obsessed with having that "meaningful relationship" in college — when I finally threw my hands up in the air, got some counseling and got real with God, Savannah finally waltzed into my life.
As of Super Bowl Sunday, Feb. 4, Savannah was late, and Monday came and went, making her later. She was pissed off by Monday, wondering why her body was taunting her. By Tuesday, she was euphoric. On her way home from work, Savannah bought two First Response pregnancy tests, since we had set a goal of testing Wednesday morning. Well, she couldn't wait that long.
It was a little bit after 11 p.m. Tuesday night, Feb. 6. I was, as always, being completely silly and was playing "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen" by the Presidents of the United States of America like an idiot, and Savannah was in the bathroom peeing on a stick. Now, mind you, had I any inkling that there was going to be a positive result, I would have been in that bathroom with her. But I never expected what came next…
"Honey?" she asked. "Can you bring me the instructions? … Now?" I wasn't done with my song yet. But my spidey sense had suddenly kicked in. I bounded off the bed with instructions in hand, only to see the indicator reading two pink lines, a "pregnant" reading.
I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something to the effect of, "Is this for real?" or, "Is this thing right?" I just couldn't believe it. It's something that we've wanted, and it's just really hard to believe a little stick, even if it is supposedly 99.9 percent accurate.
"We're pregnant!" Savannah clarified. We hugged like two grizzlies and just stared at the stick. I grabbed the instructions, as if I was going to find out something new. The woman had the pregnancy hormone in her urine stream, Hathcock… it doesn't get much simpler than that. (She repeated the test again the following morning, just to make sure.)
I would like to say I cried right then and there. But it didn't really hit me until after the initial shock wore off and we were laying in bed, looking up pregnancy on the Internet. It turns out Savannah is in her fifth week of pregnancy (who would have known?), and that right now our baby is about the size of a grain of rice, and its primitive heart is starting to beat.
When I read about the process of pregnancy… how two cells turn into trillions within 38 weeks — it just brought me to my end. Science can explain how it works, but not why it works. As Psalm 139 says, "You knit me together in my mother's womb." There's no better explanation for what happens than this. What tells life to form? What tells it to create a beautiful baby? Genes, yes, but what system decodes them? What power source? I come to my end and I can only bow down before the throne of God in wonder of His power. And it's not the big conversion stories, the glory of the cosmos or the best worship tunes that brought me there — it is a life the size of a mustard seed.
The tears came when I read about the process of creating a baby, and God's beautiful, amazing knitting power. He creates beauty, even no one sees it, because He is beauty. I can't comprehend it. I just have to bow.
Of course, this all brings about a host of new worries, something my friends and relatives tell me won't go away until, well, death. I've never met this little guy (or girl… I really don't care, for the record, just as long as it's human), and I'm already so attached to it. And that makes me vulnerable. Bad things can happen, and could. And I guess the risk is telling people about this, getting all excited, only to have those dreams dashed.
But this could be just the beginning of a lifetime of worrying about children that will bring me again and again to the cross of Christ, because that's the only place I can go. God gives us children, I think, to tell us that all things are His, and in the end, we have no control over anything. It's a great place to be, because that's reality, but at the same time, it's so scary, and my faith is smaller than the body mass of my baby right now. God has a purpose in all of this, regardless of the outcome, and I have to seek Him — worship Him — and Savannah and I will be better for it. And our family.
I'd really appreciate prayer from those of you who pray. We care about this little tyke, and we know God does too. I'm so grateful we have such great friends and family members who will be prayer warriors for us. It makes us feel better about the whole thing. And pray for Savannah, too, that she would have wisdom and not worry in her day-to-day activities, meals and behaviors, and that she would rest in the fact that crackheads and teenagers are somehow able to carry babies to term… why not us? We only do a little crack every once in a while... kidding.
Our first appointment at the doctor's is March 21 — the first day of Spring. It's kind of unnerving to me to have the date so far in the future, but Savannah's nanny boss, who is a physician, says that's a good sign, because they schedule these things based on risk. If Savannah presented high risk, she would have probably already had her appointment. March 21 makes me feel better, but I so badly want to see something on an ultrasound just so I know it's real. Two pink lines on a pee stick lacks something to be desired.
We're unbelievably excited… and nervous, and impatient. Man, it'll be hard to wait until mid-to-late October. It's weird to love someone you've never met, or someone who's not even formed, much less born, yet. But we love this baby so much, and can't wait to be parents. I'm not sure if that means I'll have to grow up. I'll have to ask our doctor about that. As for Savannah, it's like I told her, "You're acting like you just got your dream job." And she has, although she hasn't officially taken office yet.