MayDay thoughts

(Originally posted on my old MySpace blog on May 1, 2007.)

Heh... it's May 1, so... Happy May Day!

You know, I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of friends, so naturally, I'm glad MySpace thought it necessary to have a blog category with that name. Thanks, MySpazz!

But seriously, I've really been evaluating friendships lately, and I find myself in a place where I want to be a good friend to a lot of people, but in the end -- especially in this season in my life -- that's impossible. I mean, you can't do everything and do it well. You'll just do a lot of things crappy. It took a while for me to discover that.

I'm going through the "Boundaries" series in my small group. Great stuff. And when I interviewed bestselling author Randy Alcorn last month, he said something that I predict will stay with me for many years: "I have to say no to the majority of things so that I may do the few things God has called to do, well." Or something like that. I don't have my notes on me.

A difficult, yet obvious part of life is that our friendships will change. I'm thinking about my groomsmen lineup at my wedding, and know that probably half of my attendants would switch out if I was getting married now. That's sucky, yet that's life.

I'm coming to realize that a couple dudes whom I considered my best friends for a long time might no longer fit in that important role. I don't believe that it's right or wrong to see friendships ebb and flow; it's just how things happen. One of my friends was a good friend, and we shared a lot in common, until he went off and did his own thing, never really caring about my life and changing in the process. We've just grown apart.

The other guy has just so many ideological differences than I do these days, it's hard to relate. And this person has no boundaries, and never makes time for fun anymore. Sure, it's hard to juggle the responsibilities of life, but making time for fun and friends should be number one. And he has shown himself to be weak-minded and full of excuses. It's hard for me to tolerate. And I wonder if I'm harder on him because I've known the guy for so long, or am I just taking this at face value? I don't know.

I've learned about the concept of "oikos," and really accept it. An oikos was the basic unit of society in Greek civilization... an inner circle of friends and family, if you will. I've come to realize that my relationships -- and my priorities thereof -- must be handled with full awareness of my oikos. Not rigidly -- for people can come and go during various seasons -- but fluidly.

I'm finding my oikos changing, whether it's due to my schedule, distance, or our relationship simply taking a new form. It's hard because situations that were once so ingrained in my life aren't as they used to be. Change sucks, but it's better to embrace it than to hang on and make yourself miserable.

I'll always welcome the opportunity to move back into greater relationship again in the future, since the longer you know someone, the greater a bond you forge, but for now, I can't expect to have the friendship of the past when the present says otherwise.

This probably doesn't make any sense, huh? Maybe you ought to read it again :-)

Of course, I don't mean this at all in the marriage sense. I am SO BLESSED to have my darling wife, Savannah, who is the rock of everything in this life. She is the nucleus of the oikos, and my life is inextricably tied to hers. I'm amazed to see how, even in our age group, cavalier the covenant of marriage is taken and broken. It breaks my heart to see people who appeared so happy and genuine one moment to change their status on their MySpace from "married" to "single" (by the way, there is a "divorced" tag). Unions are dropping like flies all around us, and it just boggles my mind. How can people go through big, public weddings all for nought (and how could they ever do one again)?

I don't know what's going on. Is it that people got married too early? Is it that they're still afraid to commit and feel that they'd better get out of the relationship before kids come along? Is it our parents' horrible examples? Is it the me-first culture we live in? Is it our demanding-to-be-happy-at-all-costs nature? Is it a lack of understanding the full spiritual implications of divorce, adultery (if applicable) and remarriage? My guess? All of the above.

I just don't get it! In cases where there's physical abuse and/or blatant infidelity, I can see getting out of the relationship. But just because "it doesn't work out" seems wrong to me. Maybe I'm blessed to have a wife who can stand me, and who I get along wtih so well for the past 3.5 years, but trust me, we have our problems and disagreements, but the underlying belief here is that we're joined by God, and cannot be separated -- which is a good thing since we really like each other. We fight, yes, but we work it out. We understand the vows we took, and while they're not always easy in a world cheering for everyone to fail, there's absolute security, intimacy and trust. I just don't understand how others couldn't make that choice.