You've reached...

OK, OK... it's been a month since I've last written. But that's because I've been very intentional about implementing my new schedule ... getting into the "flux" I referred to in the last blog.

But to try to get myself back in the habit of writing as I'm inspired, I thought I'd rant a little bit.

I hate voicemail.

Now, don't get me wrong, there are plenty of times when I would rather leave a message for someone than talk to them — most of the time, really — but it's the content of the outgoing message that annoys me.

Listen up, people. First of all, I hate it when people say "you've reached" so-and-so, when in fact, you haven't reached them. My wife used to have the best example of what you SHOULD say: "Hi, you've reached Savannah's mailbox..." Nice and honest. Everyone else says, "Hi, you've reached Elmer Dorkburger. I'm not in right now, but if you leave a message after the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as possible."

Excuse me? First of all, I didn't reach you. But more infuriatingly, after having answering machines for a good 20-plus years, I don't need a freakin' tutorial on how to leave you a message. Of course with cell phones and digital voicemail, the insanity doesn't end there. Then some robotic autoresponder voice gets on and tells you EXACTLY how to leave a message — again! And for the especially neurotic, I then get a complete menu of options as to how exactly I could leave a message: I could page them, I could leave an "urgent" message (which are never really urgent... EVER), I could leave a (gasp!) voice message or I could have the phone shock the living crap out of them. Maybe not that last one, but after being put through the seven minute combined message, that's really the only option that would make it worth it.

OK, done with the rant. So if this hits home, dear reader, change your voicemail now. Say something like: "Hey, this is Jimbo Smith-Jackson. You know what to do." You're not trying to fool me by saying I've "REACHED" you. Or if you're trying to be professional, say: "Greetings, colleagues! This is Edward Worthingham. Please leave a message, but if I don't get back to you in timely order, try to reach me at Worthingham Castle, at 212-555-7000. Thank you, good chap."

Problem solved.